Covens Aren't for Everyone: The Benefits of Being a Solo Witch
You're probably not shocked to learn that I'm one of those witches who doesn't play well with others. Group settings have never worked for me, and they never will. And it's not based solely on my disdain for most people in general, nor is it some unhealed part of myself. I always find it interesting when others say, "Well, you need girlfriends. It's just a wall you've put up." No, it isn't. It's the "social norms" that you've been toting around with you since you could form any type of meaningful relationship. So, who has the baggage? Me, or you?
It's perfectly acceptable to choose to keep your circle of fellow humans extremely small. Mine, for instance, consists of my partner and my children. I have one or two friends I'm willing to see face-to-face for any length of time. The rest are acquaintances. For me, that is my ideal existence.
Of course, this might seem harsh or even downright crazy, and for you, it might be. But there are deeper and valid reasons for my concrete boundaries.
Energy Absorption: The First and Most Important Factor
As a medium, I absorb a lot of energy. I can walk into a room and feel everyone's moods, struggles, fear, and sadness (most of the time). I rarely feel anyone's positive attributes; it's almost always the darker emotions they're struggling with. For this reason alone, I am justified in the way I choose to navigate my time in this body.
Whether it's at the grocery store or having to speak to my neighbor (I loath his entire existence, by the way), I'm drained to the point of questioning my health and sanity after a very short time amongst the living. Even at home, I'm typically so mentally and psychologically exhausted from the energy within my own home that I look forward to a break from it all. That's not to say I hate my family; I'm just able to acknowledge that my level of mom fatigue is likely higher than most at the end of the day. Couple that with any level of masking so that my reactions don't influence my family or hurt their feelings, and I'm definitely over everything by 10 p.m.
We'll circle back to this again when I touch on rituals, but for now, this is as good a reason as any in all contexts, including my spiritual path.
Lack of Responsibility for Others' Feelings
In almost every social space for fellow spiritualists that I've come across, online or face-to-face, there's this expectation and even demand that everyone is overtly mindful of others' triggers. For example, Pam posts a really cool altar piece that happens to have a component of animal fur. And before you know it, here comes Ol' Stacy, who is highly triggered because she's a vegan who suffered trauma from being nearly strangled by her aunt 20 years ago, who wore fur coats every day. The "coven" then erupts in the usual comfort for the victim and scolding for poor Pam, who just wanted to show off her fucking coonskin hat. You all know you've seen this type of interaction more than once if you're in the realm of virtual Paganism at all.
My first example of energy absorption might give you a false sense that I'm an empath. And perhaps I am, however, an empath isn't necessarily empathetic. And I am absolutely not very empathetic. While I am obviously capable of great love and affection, that's reserved for people who matter to me. Stacy's trauma doesn't matter to me. And I will be good goddamned if someone scolds me, a grown-ass grandma, for what I choose to incorporate into my spiritual practice.
There is far too much expectation for others to cater to the mental health and well-being of everyone around them, no matter the distance between them. I know that many of us don't subscribe to this. Sticking to myself ensures that I don't have to deal with or navigate the often overly sensitive and forced boundaries of others. Now, does this mean I go out of my way to be hateful or that I won't help someone I see about to jump off a bridge? Of course not. But I do not find my identity in going out of my way to give my emotional currency away freely. You can't place boundaries on other human beings, but many these days apparently didn't read that chapter of the life book.
Solitary Rituals Are Far More Effective for Me
Back to that energy absorption problem. Group rituals are messy. Unless you're in a well-rehearsed, well-controlled environment where each practitioner shares the same values, mental state, and intentions at the exact same time, it rarely ends well. It isn't like the movies where we can all hold hands around a fire and bind Nancy with our amazing unified mind control. While the theory is a good one (more witches = more energy), the alignments that would have to fall perfectly into place for that to actually work are extremely hard to master. In over 20 years, I have never encountered a ritual that I wanted or needed to include another person, outside of some sex magick rituals and occasionally blood magick. And I will keep it that way.
As a side note, have you seen these weird promoted posts popping up on Instagram and Facebook advertising "witchy getaways"? Where women congregate together, dress up like Halloween witches, and walk down the street or sit in circles together for some reasons that aren't really made clear in the ads? No thank you. Absolutely not. I wouldn't do it for free, let alone pay for it. And yes, you pay for these. Yikes.
Freedom of Expansion (of the Mind)
I come from a time when we had to physically walk into an apothecary or shop to request learning materials and items to incorporate into our studies and practices. There were definitely times that I would request a certain herb or book and be treated pretty cruelly or turned away in general with a lecture on the dangers of this or that. In today's virtual atmosphere, that appears to be far worse for the poor souls I see asking specific questions or for the correct direction, only to be met with backlash and scolding.
Look at organizations like Pagan Federation. You must be approved to join, and you mustn't have any ties to "black magick" (which again, isn't really a thing. Magick is Magick is Magick). Nevertheless, nobody should allow themselves to be dictated by anyone else. Not clubs, not covens, not even your friends. That circles us back to the responsibility portion of this from earlier. You are not responsible for the limits, fears, or uneasiness of anyone else.
Historically, there is absolutely no evidence that any of these boundaries and rules and "harm none" implementations ever existed as a universal rule anywhere. Try to find it. I'll wait. What you will find is freedom in Magick and Spirituality up until there was none. And we all know how and why that happened.
Working solo, away from circles or groups, allows me to study whatever I want, implement whatever I want, and apply whatever I want to whatever I want. And I answer to nobody. Sort of like Chaos Magick, but with even fewer guidelines than that.
I am not writing all of this because I want you to change your own path. If being in a more social and controlled construct works for you, then it works for you. The very beauty of working alone means I am free to mind my own business, and you are free to mind yours.
I'll end this with one more point. Whether you are working alone or within a central organization, I implore you to adopt the mindset of only answering to yourself. Or, if you follow specific Deities, then perhaps you answer to them for whatever boundaries you have set for yourself. But you should only be answering to those Deities, not Laura and Rebecca with the whimsical bathroom from TikTok. One of the common ideologies of all forms of Paganism is freedom. But you start to lose that freedom when your free will is redirected down a path that is not of your choosing. That's all I'm saying.
Be Blessed,
Dena
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