There is a shift happening right now, but this isn't about predictable planetary retrogrades or alignments. While aspiring spiritualists might moan about the current placement of planets, that isn't the topic today. I feel in my soul that something is stirring universally. A spiritual upheaval is happening across the world. It doesn't matter what your faith is; whether you're a Christian, a pagan, or an eclectic spiritualist, a power around all of us is asking us to rise and seek our greatest potential.
But while we are being guided to a better path, we are simultaneously being held down by something very heavy. Sometimes it feels like I am crawling out of a hole. I get to the edge, slide down a few feet, and then start again. Each time I reach the opening, I stay there just a little bit longer. Just over a year and a half ago, I was finally exiting a toxic relationship with a narcissist. I can only compare my experience to the hell of trying to release myself from the emotional and mental conditioning I had endured for seven years.
Since then, many amazing things have happened in my life, and many doors have opened. I have also unapologetically reclaimed who I am and boldly speak about what I believe. I am now publicly discussing and practicing my own path and craft. But despite all of this, it has been a long and treacherous journey.
I hear a lot of buzzwords around the practice of shadow work. Most of the time, it's a very superficial, "Wikipedia" version of the concept. Those who attempt to practice it are often not ready for that great adventure, or they're not truly walking into the shadows because they're not ready to face the parts that hurt the most. Nobody wants to admit their own faults and contributions to the bad things that have happened in their life, especially if they see themselves as a victim. This often circles back to my favorite phrase: "Love and light is a delusion."
So many people who walk a (socially acceptable) conformist path initially approach shadow work with the idea that they will walk through the shadows and come out on the other side, full of light, a calm, happy human in a constant state of contentment. While that is sometimes the case, more often than not, you will find that when you begin this work, you have to face the harsh reality that these shadows will never go away. They just become an accepted part of who you are. For me, none of this clicked until I accepted that I not only have to keep my shadows with me but that I am more successful, more stable, more humble, and more advanced in my practice when I choose to remain in my shadows instead of pretending they don't exist. Erasing or suppressing them leads to history repeating itself.
If I were to visualize myself, I would say that three-quarters of my being is cast in darkness, and one-quarter is highlighted with a mild radiance. A gentle, yet bright, light that is always there to keep me of the good side. This helps when I encounter roadblocks that require me to choose between benevolent and malevolent solutions, both of which have their place depending on the situation.
I don't strive to be a good person; I strive to be a balanced person who matches the situation or action with the appropriate reaction.
I also do not strive to be a healer. That title is self-proclaimed among far too many people. To be a true healer, you must be able to absorb and process the traumas and problems of another with little to no effect on yourself. Aside from a select few, this is almost never the purpose of the majority of human beings. Instead, I choose to actively avoid situations where I am responsible for the triggers, traumas, or mental health of another person.
This may appear cold and callous on the surface, but if you have ever been in a situation (or multiple situations) where you are being emotionally abused or under spiritual and psychological attack by narcissists (who, by the way, are much more common than you think), you quickly learn that it chips away at your entire existence. Each time you take on someone else's muddy soul, pieces of your own soul are sliced away.
You will almost never find a positive return from this. You will almost never wake up and say, "I'm so thankful for this existence, being a dumping ground for the unhealed trauma of this other person." I tend to learn lessons the hard way, but after more narcissistic abuse relationships than I would like to admit, I finally learned my lesson and realized that I am under no obligation to anyone other than myself.
I learned through this recent process that I actually don't like most people, and deep down inside, I don't care how they feel or what's bothering them or why they are sad today. The ability to admit that has been extremely empowering. A lot of us feel this way, but few are willing to admit it because we want to fit in with the social expectation of being a "girl's girl" or a "lover." This isn't to say that I am not a listening ear and a protective space for my children and my partner and a very small number of people I consider friends. Outside of that, however, I spent far too many years noticing the crying woman in her car or the homeless man on the street, only to be sucked into yet another toxic dynamic.
With decades of experience as a yoga teacher and practitioner, I have seen too many enthusiastic women (and sometimes men) who want to fix and heal everyone, and then they go home at night, drink their wine, smoke their pot, and exist in misery in their personal lives while exuding an aura of love and light in public. I know firsthand because in my twenties, I was one of those women.
There is nothing more freeing than disconnecting from anything and everything that makes you uncomfortable. Some might say, "How are you going to work through shadows without discomfort?" To that, I would say, I have already walked through the most uncomfortable places the human psyche can bear. I have already survived this. Now, I am in the process of putting myself back together, so why would I invite anyone or anything else in that will slide me back down that tunnel when I am at the top?
Not everyone needs to be a great leader or a great teacher. Not everyone needs to be the hero. Not all of us are required to work toward receiving accolades for all of the good we have done in the world. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to be your own unapologetic self, as dark and messy as that is. That is what keeps balance and what has leveled out the psychological and spiritual planes of civilization since humans have existed.
Don't strive to be a good person. Strive to be a BALANCED person.
Be Blessed,
Dena